This short film was to be an autobiographical self portrait. The subject matter being my childhood self, my childhood growing up in Indonesia, the move to a different life, and the ‘self’ I am now.
The story is in a sense a confession to my younger self. This thing was triggered by the coming of my 25th birthday. I was 24, still doing a masters in london, I wasn't close to being independent or have any idea or certainty about my future.. My mom got her first child, my older brother, when she was 25, having a husband and a life in Indonesia. I always thought, no believed, and was certain about the fact that that would be me as well. It is not me. And not because I don’t want it. I feel like I have disappointed my life, my past’s dreams of the future. Sometimes it is unbearable to confront what I have become. I only see what I didn’t become. And I can’t let go of needing to know what went wrong. And feeling like this, what reason does my mum have for loving me.
This strong desire I have to identify with my younger self. And perhaps, confronting myself with my own romanticising of the past. My belief or fear that I have failed my younger self in some way. I wanted to write her a ‘sorry’ letter. But she is no longer here. So I re-explored the life I've lived. The story is in a sense an apology to the me I was, and a coming to accept the me I am now.